Honk

So I taught my kids a thing. We are about a miles walk away from a park and sometimes to get out of our house, I take the kids and walk there. Well along this route, there are tons of semi trucks, so I taught my kids how to "ask" them to honk at us. Kent has been trying to o get them to do it for weeks, but hasn't been fast enough to get them to actually see him. Well, on Saturday, they finally saw him. All the kids laughed and giggled and they were able to get two more to honk after that. It really is the simple things that make life great!

Turtle

Rachel and I went on a walk today to get out of the trailer. We decided to check out a part of Farmington we hadn't been to yet and found our way to the San Juan River.

While we were walking along, Rachel, with her eyes that are so good at noticing things, spotted a turtle in the water, so of course we had to go check it out! 

It was red eared slider, which I only knew because I had one as a kid. 

This world is so full of fun and beautiful things, if only we are willing to open our eyes to them. 

 

Running Track

At the running track I see all types of people. 

Old

Young

Skinny

Not as skinny

Boys

Girls

Walkers

Runners

Limpers

All on their own journey.

I have a hard time not cheering each one on that I come across.  I want to cheer for them all and tell them how proud of them I am for getting out and doing something good for their bodies. I want to encourage the slow ones to keep going and to help them know that many of the fast ones were slow once too. I want to tell the fast ones that I'm proud of their hard work because I know how hard it is to get to the point where you can move your body like that. I want to tell them all they are doing so well and to not compare themselves with the others on the track. I want to tell the young ones how good it is that they are developing good habits, and ask the old ones about their journey and how they got where they are. 

Not long ago, I was one of the limpers. It hurt my body to just walk. If you had told me back then that I would look forward to running every morning, I would have thought you were crazy. And even though I am at the point where I can move my body in a way I never thought possible before, I still feel like there are many areas of my life where I am limping along.

You can never see from the outside what a person is going through or where they have been or where they might be headed, but our Father in Heaven knows and he is cheering for us, no matter which part of our journey we might be on.   

Foundations

"Be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work."

-Doctrine and Covenants 64:33

I've thought about this verse a lot this week. The foundation of something is so important. 

I remember when we were house hunting in Cedar City. They had a lot of things available to buy. Some things that looked really nice, but a problem that we kept running into was that they had major foundation issues because of the soil they were built on, which would lead to problems in the future. 

The early saints of the church were told that they were laying the foundation of a great work. The foundation of Zion aka the Church of Jesus Christ, but that was all they were going to be able to build. That was their part. They weren't going to see the finished results, just the beginning, but it was so important that they did their part, for without a beginning, what do you have?

I was thinking of this in relation to my life right now. There is something I am trying to build a foundation for. My children. In my attempts at parenting and teaching them, I am giving them a foundation for them to build on for the rest of their lives. I am not the master builder though. I've just been asked to build the foundation. With each family scripture study, family prayer, church attendance, I am building a foundation for them to base their testimonies on.

Joy D. Jones said, "Accidental conversion is not a principle of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Becoming like our Savior will not happen randomly. Being intentional in loving, teaching, and testifying can help children begin at a young age to feel the influence of the Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost is essential to our children’s testimony of and conversion to Jesus Christ."

"Remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation...which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall." 

-Helaman 5:12

I feel like this is the way it is with other things too. Every time I have my children apologize, (even when they don't want to) they are learning the importance of it. Everytime I ask them to say excuse me when they burp or pick up their clothes after they get dressed, I need to remember that all I am asked to build right now is the foundation. It is up to them and the master builder to do the rest. 

Sometimes it gets frustrating asking them to do the same things over and over again, but they will learn eventually. Through repetition and consistency. And hopefully they will learn to have Christ as their foundation, and pick up their clothes. 

Here we go round the mulberry bush

It has been a HOT week here. Unfortunately, our trailer can't keep up with the heat. Our air conditioner will run for a couple of hours and then it trips the breaker and we are left melting. Poor Jacob had been working from the van and honestly I'm not sure where it gets hotter. The last few days I've had to get creative with the kids because it's been too hot to be home. We've gone to the river, the park (in the shade), the library, and the park again. It's too expensive to go to the swimming pool or you can bet we would be living there. 

Today while we were at the park, to our delight, we found a Mulberry tree with ripe berries just waiting for us to pick and eat them! I brought mine home and added them to our dinner (yogurt, fruit, granola parfaits). 

To the person in charge of planting the trees at this park, my kids and I thank you! So yummy and it made for a fun diversion for my little family!

Cottonwoods

Along the Animas River are hundreds of cottonwood trees. And every spring, they get all fluffy and then for a month or so they shed the seeds and the area looks as if it is snowing.

Growing up, my family had a single cottonwood tree in our back yard, and my parents (and probably my neighbors) hated the mess it made in the spring. 

We eventually got rid of it. I was sad when the tree was removed, because of all the memories I had playing out in its shade in hot hot hot St. George. 

The kids and I decided to learn about cotton wood trees for our homeschool today. We went out and took pictures of them, collected bark, cotton, seeds and leaves from them, and watched videos on YouTube about them. 

It was so fun! I love learning along with my kids!

The only thing we didn't enjoy about it was that Kent had gotten a bee sting two days before on the bottom of his foot. He was doing some better today and thought he could handle an outing, but the poor guy was absolutely miserable the entire time.

I gave each kid my phone and told them to take a picture of a cottonwood tree and we would print it at home and glue it in their homeschool books. I love how they all chose vastly different angles and views.

Rachel's picture

Kent's picture

Elijah's picture

My picture

I chose this shot because if you look close you can see a big branch broken from the tree. Well, its mostly broken anyway, because if you follow the branch down, you can see that it is still growing an green. I loved that despite all odds, it was still growing and thriving. I felt a lot like that branch. A little broken, but doing my best to keep fighting.

The Donkey and His Driver

The Donkey and His Driver

 Aesop's Fables

 A donkey was being driven along a road leading down the mountain side, when he suddenly took it into his silly head to choose his own path. He could see his stall at the foot of the mountain, and to him the quickest way down seemed to be over the edge of the nearest cliff. Just as he was about to leap over, his master caught him by the tail and tried to pull him back, but the stubborn donkey would not yield and pulled with all his might. “Very well,” said his master, “go your way, you willful beast, and see where it leads you.” With that he let go, and the foolish donkey tumbled head over heels down the mountain side. 

They who will not listen to reason but stubbornly go their own way against the friendly advice of those who are wiser than they, are on the road to misfortune.

This is exactly what it feels like to be a parent, especially to my beautiful wonderful autistic son. I feel so blessed to have been entrusted to be his mom, don't get me wrong, but at the same time I feel exactly like the driver in this fable. 

I feel like talking about Kent and his autism is a little bit of a touchy subject. I want to be honoring of him and not make it all about me, but at the same time, it affects me and every member of my family. I want to make it normal to talk about, but I don't want to post anything that would make him feel bad or uncomfortable. 

In general I am an extremely private person and I don't like to share about any of the hard things. I feel like our culture has been that the hard things needed to stay at home, kept private. They are no one else's business, but at the same time, aren't we all here on earth to support each other? If we were meant to go it alone, I feel like life would have been designed differently. I want to learn from other people and help other people, but if I am too private, I can't do either of those things. If I don't share what I am going through, no one else will ever know. If they don't share what they are going through, I don't know if I can help or not. 

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.”

― Lois Lowry, The Giver

I am going to attempt to be honest on this blog while also honoring those that I love and respecting their privacy, but like it says in the quote above, "Memories need to be shared."

Little or Much

"It mattereth not unto me whether it be little or much..."

-Doctrine and Covenants 63:40

This verse reminds me of the story of the widow's mite. You know the one, the widow who had so little but she paid what she had for tithing in the midst of all those who were rich and were giving so much more. Jesus seeing the opportunity to teach his disciples told them, "That this poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury: For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had." (-Mark 12: 43-44)

How much we are able to give can change so much depending on circumstance. I'm not even talking about monetary giving. I'm talking about day to day giving. The service, the patience, the time, the love, all are things we give regularly. Some days we are able to give abundantly, and others we are barely able to get out of bed. 

Thankfully, the Lord has said, "it mattereth not...whether it be little or much." What matters to Him is that we give our all. It's okay that our all looks different from someone else's. It's okay that sometimes (or a lot of times) that it looks like less. 

The thing about our Savior though, is he takes our meager offerings and he turns them into abundance. Just like with the five loaves and two fishes. We might ask like Andrew, "What are they among so many?" It seemed like such a small offering, but Jesus took it and blessed it to become more. And he does the same with us. 

Rose Legacy by Jessica Day George

 

I just read this trilogy by Jessica Day George, and can I just tell you how fun they were? If you've ever wanted a horse growing up, or to be able to communicate with animals, these books are for you. They are 100% clean and so I wouldn't mind if my kids read them at all. In fact, I've encouraged it! In the second book there is a pandemic (this was written in the middle of all of the COVID crazy) which I feel is relatable to adults as well as kids because of what we all have been living the last year and a half. The main character is a teenage girl and has just hints of romance (a kiss on a cheek), but that is in no way the theme of the story. It is more of a relationship with her and her horse, her family, and her friends. 

Reading level: I would probably recommend ages 8 and up if they are reading it on their own, but honestly I felt the books were fun enough that a younger child would like them too!

Here is a link to find the first book on Amazon. It is an affiliate link so I might earn a little on the purchase (my first time trying this out), but it doesn't affect the price for you. 

Longing for Home

"He that is faithful and endureth shall overcome the world." -Doctine and Covenants 63:47

Have you ever longed for home? Maybe it's just been a long day at work or school. Maybe you have been traveling or camping for a few days and just can't wait to get back. Maybe you've been away at college for a while. Or lived far from family and longed to see them again. 

 There is just something comfortable and comforting about being home, with familiar people and things.

Have you ever longed for your Heavenly home? It's not something I can remember experiencing until I also experienced some major depression. I remember an intense longing for my Heavenly Parents and for the comfort, relief, and love I knew I would find in their arms.

At times staying faithful and enduring has seemed almost too hard and the longing for home was too fierce.

How thankful I am to know though that the end will come. The end of the sorrow and the suffering and the pain. And that through patience, the heartache will be overcome. And we will be able to achieve that rest and that and joy and peace. We just need to hold on.

Tick Tock

For the longest time, Elijah has been telling me that stop lights say "Tick Tock." I have been so confused about why he has said that but today I figured it out! We were out driving and I stopped at the stop light and turned on my turn signal. Elijah piped up, "See! That's the sound of the stop light! Tick tock, tick tock." It finally clicked. He thought the sound of the blinker was coming from the stop light. 

Held in His Hands

"Behold, the land of Zion—I, the Lord, hold it in mine own hands."

Doctrine and Covenants 63:25

The last few days the boys and I have been taking care of a family's chickens while they are out of town. Their absolute favorite part is gathering the eggs. Every few minutes while we are there, they have to check and see if the chickens have laid another egg. On Monday, I asked Elijah to hold the egg and take care of it until we got home, to make sure it didn't crack. 

He held that egg so carefully the whole way. He cradled it in his hands. He paid attention to it. He protected it. 

That is what this verse of scripture reminded me of. The careful way Elijah cradled and took care of this egg is the way our Savior takes care of us. He cradled us in His hands. He pays attention to us and he protects us. I love that image. This life is so hard at times. So stinking hard. And He knows that. He experienced it. And because he did, he knows what we are going through and he will hold us in His hands through it all. 

Side note: Elijah was so proud of himself when he got the egg home and he insisted on eating it. Then when he saw how little just one egg was, he decided he needed a second one to go with it. It didn't matter that it was nine o'clock and he had eaten breakfast not long before. Little boys always have room for a snack of eggs. 😁

Perspective

Something to know about trailers, the walls are extremely thin. Which means that if any voices are raised, you can hear the entire thing from outside. Also, because the inside living space is so small, the outside becomes your living space as well which if you are in an RV park, that means a lot of what was once private, now isn't. Many times I've gone outside to my hammock to escape the commotion that comes with family life only to have to go back in because I can hear the kids arguments escalating and needing mommy intervention. Other times, I wonder if our neighbors are going to call CPS on us because I know they can hear every melt down and tantrum any of us every have. 

Last night, it wasn't our turn to have the raised voices. It was our neighbors. They just pulled into their spot a day or two ago and they look like a young couple with their dog. Well, last night I heard them arguing. The woman had just discovered that the man was on drugs and was extremely unhappy about it. He was trying to explain and she was definitely struggling with it. She hasn't been around all day today. I promise I'm not a snoop, its just that when you live so close to so many other people, you can't help but hear and notice things, and their "conversation" was quite loud and quite late last night.

The thing about my neighbor's situation that hit me was how lucky I am. Because of the things we believe and because of the doctrines and the guidelines of our church, we stay away from drugs and alcohol. I never have to question if my husband is ingesting dangerous substances into his body and he doesn't have to question or wonder about that with me. 

While some people see the commandments of God as restrictive, I see them as liberating. Because of what we believe and what we follow, there are so many pitfalls we avoid, things that once entered into are traps that are really hard to escape. Things that might look enticing and inviting, but really take away freedom and choices later on. 

Is my family perfect? Not by a long shot! We all face challenges and we are all human so we all make mistakes. No matter what. But the nature of our challenges are different than if we didn't heed to God's teachings.

Assemble Together

"This is the will of the Lord your God concerning his saints, that they should assemble themselves together unto the land of Zion."

-Doctrine and Covenants 63:24

This last year and a half sure has been interesting. Because of Covid we have been unable to: 

Gather as churches

Gather as schools

Gather as friends

Gather as families

And even when we were able to gather again there has been so much fear.

And the masks.

And the distance.

No handshakes.

No smiles.

No hugs. 

So many things have been so different. 

Finally finally finally I feel like things are changing back. We are seeing less masks and less distance. More smiles and more activities. In church this last week, we didn't wear masks and the signs had been taken down on the benches that said we could only sit in certain rows. We are finally allowed to assemble again and it feels so good.

One thing that has come from all of this is that we are all a little more grateful for families and gatherings and people. 

Mothers

"Of course you are never lonely if your mother is with you."

-Frances Hodgson Burnett in Little Lord Fauntleroy

This year on Mother's Day  was our first Sunday in our new ward. Not only that, but it would be our kids first time going to primary (except once with cousins) in over a year.

The kids were all excited...until we got there. Rachel and Kent had singing time together and they went in together and had no problem attending their class. Elijah on the other hand took one look one look into the classroom he was supposed to go into and turned around and ran. 

He was NOT going in there. 

He didn't know anybody. He hadn't ever been there before. Primary wasn't a thing he super remembered. When you are six, 15 months is a really long time.

The ward was having a special meeting for all of the moms for Mother's Day, and instead of going to that meeting, you know where I was? I was right where I needed to be. I was with my child. My son needed his mother that day. I stayed with him and went to his class with him and was so grateful that I am blessed enough to be his mother. 

Belonging

Since we moved into our trailer, I feel like we haven't had much belonging. We haven't belonged anywhere we've been, we've just been visiting. 

Visiting my parents.

Visiting my sisters.

Visiting.

And while it's nice to visit here and there, and see new places and familiar faces, sometimes it's hard to not belong. 

Belong to a ward. Belong to city. Belong to a community. Belong to a library. Belong to some sort of group. 

Belonging to me means knowing enough about those around you that you can see needs and fill them and being able to receive the help you need in return. It means feeling needed. 

I've really been missing that since we moved into the trailer and have been traveling around. I didn't even know I was missing it until last week when someone in our ward that we just met asked us to take care of their chickens, cat, and fish while they went out of town. My soul was filled with happiness when they asked us. A chance for service. A chance to belong. 

Then the person in charge of singing time in Primary is going out of town this week and needed a sub for this Sunday. I jumped at the chance to help and belong again. 

How grateful I am to belong to The Church of Jesus Christ. It gives me a chance to find belonging and familiarity no matter where we travel. No matter where we go, we have a built in community waiting for people to come and help, and serve and belong. 

Kind Little Hearts

"Nothing in all the world is so strong as a kind heart, and somehow this kind little heart, though it was only the heart of a child, seemed to clear all the atmosphere of the big gloomy room and make it brighter." 

- Frances Hodgson Burnett in Little Lord Fauntleroy

Fighting

 Last week, I was lower than low. Probably the lowest I had ever been. Past my breaking point. I had given up. I was so tired of fighting the depression. Fighting so hard for every single good day only to have the balance upset so easily. I didn't want to get out of bed or eat or drink anything or face anyone ever again. I sobbed to my Heavenly Father to just take me home. I was done. I couldn't fight anymore.

 As I lay there in bed, my mind was flooded with the faces of my family. My sisters, my parents, my husband, my children. I imagined what their lives would be like if I were not there. I saw how many people depended on me and the holes that would be left if I were gone, and I knew. 

I knew why the Savior went through with the Atonement. I knew how He did it. It was the hardest thing He had ever done to keep on fighting. He begged his Father that if there was a way that He didn't have to go through with it, then to please please please not make Him. But then he knew. He knew how many people were depending on Him sticking around and completing his mission. He knew how important His role was and the holes that would be left in all of us if He didn't.

As much as I hate depression, I am grateful for the lessons it has taught me. About myself. About my Savior. I feel like I am learning in some small way about what he went through. And if He could keep fighting, than I can too. 

 "In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." 
- John 16:33

I am able to make you holy

I remember a time, about 6 years ago, when I felt I wasn't good enough. I had made too many mistakes. Not even huge mistakes, but too many all the same. I still believed in the gospel of Jesus Christ, but I almost felt like it wouldn't work for me. It was too late. I still wanted to do all I could so that it wouldn't be too late for my kids. I wanted them to be able to make it home to our Heavenly Father, even if I couldn't. It was like I believed in the atonement of Jesus Christ, but not that it could work for me. 

I remember attending a women's session of general conference and having my perspective changed. I don't remember all that was said there or who spoke or what the intended message of the talk was, but I do remember how I felt. The Spirit testified to me in that meeting that God cared for me personally and it wasn't too late for me. If I turned to Him, He would welcome me with open arms, and not only would He do that, but he wanted it with His whole heart. I was able to feel connected to Him in a personal way. I felt known and loved by Him.

The more I study about Jesus and His mortal ministry, the more I am astounded by those he chose to be his followers. The sinners. The outcasts. In short, the ones who were like us. The everyday people who are doing their best, but their best isn't good enough because without Him, without His sacrifice, returning back to Father is impossible. I love to watch their lives and see what they become once He enters their story. 

He told them the same thing he told me all those years ago and he offers that same invitation to you no matter your circumstances or your backgrounds or your previous sins. 

"I am able to make you holy, and your sins are forgiven you." 

Doctrine and Covenants 60:7

As for years

"Let them act upon this land as for years, and this shall turn unto them for their good."

-Doctrine and Covenants 51:17

We have been in the transition of all transitions since we moved into the trailer last October. Everywhere we have been since then has been for just a few months at a time, and this place is no exception. 

When I read this verse a couple of weeks ago, it made me think of my life right now. Like the early saints who this revelation was originally given to, we are in a transition period. If they hadn't lived there "as for years, " they wouldn't have built the temple, or worked so hard to build up Zion in the place they were at. They wouldn't have put down roots and built the houses and made the friends. If they hadn't acted upon that last as for years, they would have missed out on so many blessings.

I've decided that I am going to act upon this land as for years. I'm going to try to make the friends as for years. Serve and love and live as if it will be for years and make the connections, because that is what life is all about. I'm going to do my best to build Zion and the temple and the city, just as the saints in Ohio did.

Making those connections and serving others takes way more effort, but hopefully in doing so, when we leave here, more lives than just ours will have been blessed. 

New Job

As Jacob got closer to graduating, he started dedicating a fair bit of time to applying for jobs in his career field. It was one dead end after another. He applied for internship positions, entry level positions, anything he thought he might qualify for. The sad truth was that he didn't qualify for any of them. The time he spent getting this degree in computer science didn't mean a whole lot to anyone because even though he took the classes and checked the boxes for the degree, he didn't have any project experience. He didn't have a portfolio. In short, getting his degree didn't actually teach him the skills he needed to work in his field. 

We kept praying and he kept applying. In answer to our prayers, we kept feeling peace. Peace in the midst of rejection after rejection. I knew Heavenly Father wouldn't abandon us now and that something would come up. He has always guided us through and I knew he wasn't going to stop now. We started looking into alternate options: the military again (this time as an officer), more training in the form of 15,000 dollar coding bootcamps, anything that would make it so he would be able to get a job. 

Well, Jacob came across something that we never would have looked twice at if it weren't for all of the rejections. The company is called Revature. Basically, they give you an in depth training for 10-12 weeks in a computer science related area, pay you minimum wage while doing it, and then you sign a contract to work where ever they want you to in the continental U.S. for two years for little more than peanuts the first year and a pay bump the second year. It is super pricey to break the contract, but many companies that they go work for end up buying out their contract before the two years are up and even if they don't, you end up with good training and two years of experience. 

Well, this is the path that we have decided to take. Jacob graduated 3 weeks ago, ended his job at the university 2 weeks ago and started his training for Revature the next Monday. 

We decided to bring our trailer and our family back to good old New Mexico to a different city than we have ever lived in before for him to complete his training. We chose New Mexico for a few different reasons. 

Reason #1: Minimum wage in New Mexico is 10.50 an hour. If we had gone to Utah or Iowa where we were close to family, and where my heart really wants us to be, he would only be making 7.25 an hour. 

Reason #2: Our trailer only has one AC unit, which means that we can't be parked anywhere too hot because it just can't keep up, otherwise we would be in Arizona near one of my sisters. 

Reason #3: We felt like it was a right. 

Now I will admit that when we first pulled into this RV park, I wanted to turn around and go back to Arizona, or Utah. I even kept looking at other options of places we could go stay even after we got a PO box and sent our church records here. I just didn't want to stay. Why would we be away from family when we finally have the option to be close? We've had a taste of being near family for the first time in a really long time these last 6 months and I didn't want to give that up. 

So Jacob started his training last Monday and found out that he is being trained to be a Dev Ops Engineer, something he had never considered going into because he didn't know what it was. I don't all the way know what it is still, but basically, it is something that developers don't usually start out doing. Its something they might specialize in after being a normal developer for 5 years or more.  Honestly, it is something that really plays to Jacob's natural strengths, but he definitely wouldn't have had the opportunity to do something like this for a long time if ever. He feels like it is something he could be good at and happy doing.

So here we are in a town we've only ever driven through previously, with no one we know close by starting on a new adventure that could take our family anywhere. All of the unknowns makes it really feel like we are in the military again, except this time Jacob can't get deployed. Kent was asking me where we would be for his birthday if a few months and I had to tell him that I had no idea!

Honestly, if I didn't know that Heavenly Father was directing us and that he has a plan for us individually, I don't know how I would be handling all the unknowns!  As it is, we are trusting Him and taking it one day at a time.

50 pounds

Let's talk health for a few minutes. Physical health. I, like the other women in my family, (and to be honest, probably most other women in the world) have generally always struggled with weight fluctuations, and as much as I would like to blame it all on having babies, if I'm honest, it definitely started before that. I've gone through the cycles of exercise/eat healthy, lose the weight, reach a goal, stop exercising/eating healthy, gain the weight, hate my body, then exercise/eat healthy and repeat more times than I would like to admit, and to be honest, even after I've lost the weight, I would still compare my body to everyone else's and find it lacking.

Let's fast forward to the beginning of last year. I had been unhealthy (and not just because I was overweight) and having food and sugar issues for a while. My cute sister hosted a get healthy competition for my sisters, my mom, and my hubby. My goal of the competition was finally not about the number on the scale. My goal was to feel healthy and to heal my relationship with food. This became quite the journey for me. I knew that when I ate sugar (my weakness) I felt sick. Always. And not in a normal way.

   

 As I started my journey, I cut many different things out of my diet because the more I started listening to my body, the more it was telling me. My body doesn't like processed sugars or even sugars like honey that aren't processed but it loves fruit. It hates pizza 😱. Every single time I ate pizza, my heart rate would get really high. My body doesn't like other processed things that I used to love (like hot lime cheetos, and chocolate treasures, and airheads. I would get stomach aches when I had things with gluten and dairy and corn. It felt like the more I listened to my body, the less I could eat, and it was super frustrating trying to find things that were honoring to my body. But the more I listened to my body, and heard what it was telling me, the better I felt, and the pounds started coming off. 

My goal for the first time wasn't to lose the weight and to fit into a smaller size of jeans, it was to listen to do what it needed. During our 12 week competition, I lost 20 pounds. Before when I had done competitions like that, I worked hard during the competition and then eventually went back to my old habits, but this time I didn't want to go back. I didn't want to feel the way I felt before. I was so tired of food ruling my life and essentially ruining it because it was making me feel sick all of the time. 

    

Before: Feb 2020        After May 2020

I had other benefits during this time as well. During the months of this competition, my depression was gone. Completely. Even though my cycles have never been regular, I always knew when it was coming because the week before, I would have awful awful depression, but when I started this regimen of listening to my body, eating what my body really liked and needed, and getting out and moving my body, my mental health thrived!  

We finished our competition 13 months ago and since then I have lost another 30 pounds because I have been doing my best to really pay attention and honor the things my body tells me. If I'm hungry, I eat the snack. If I'm full, I don't finish the food. If I want a treat, I have one, my treats just look a little differently than they used to. If my body aches from sitting still for too long, I go for a walk. I feel like when I honor the needs of my physical body, my mental health does so much better. 

When I tried to diet or exercise to lose the weight, the change never stayed, and I would get discouraged when the number wouldn't change, and I was always comparing my body to everyone else and seeing where I came up short. It wasn't until I let that go, stopped comparing, and tried to get healthy for the sake of being healthy that I honestly started feeling better about me. And it wasn't until then, that the change stuck.

 Can I tell you how many times I've lost weight and kept my "fat clothes" in my closet because I didn't trust the change? It was a really big deal for me to actually get rid of all of the clothes I grew out of and I probably wouldn't have done it except that we moved into the trailer and space is extremely limited. I've never lost the weight and kept it off until I made the mental change. This is my journey and it looks different than anyone else's. My body is different than anyone else's. My experiences have been different and my life is different, and how glad I am that it is.