Fighting

 Last week, I was lower than low. Probably the lowest I had ever been. Past my breaking point. I had given up. I was so tired of fighting the depression. Fighting so hard for every single good day only to have the balance upset so easily. I didn't want to get out of bed or eat or drink anything or face anyone ever again. I sobbed to my Heavenly Father to just take me home. I was done. I couldn't fight anymore.

 As I lay there in bed, my mind was flooded with the faces of my family. My sisters, my parents, my husband, my children. I imagined what their lives would be like if I were not there. I saw how many people depended on me and the holes that would be left if I were gone, and I knew. 

I knew why the Savior went through with the Atonement. I knew how He did it. It was the hardest thing He had ever done to keep on fighting. He begged his Father that if there was a way that He didn't have to go through with it, then to please please please not make Him. But then he knew. He knew how many people were depending on Him sticking around and completing his mission. He knew how important His role was and the holes that would be left in all of us if He didn't.

As much as I hate depression, I am grateful for the lessons it has taught me. About myself. About my Savior. I feel like I am learning in some small way about what he went through. And if He could keep fighting, than I can too. 

 "In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." 
- John 16:33

I am able to make you holy

I remember a time, about 6 years ago, when I felt I wasn't good enough. I had made too many mistakes. Not even huge mistakes, but too many all the same. I still believed in the gospel of Jesus Christ, but I almost felt like it wouldn't work for me. It was too late. I still wanted to do all I could so that it wouldn't be too late for my kids. I wanted them to be able to make it home to our Heavenly Father, even if I couldn't. It was like I believed in the atonement of Jesus Christ, but not that it could work for me. 

I remember attending a women's session of general conference and having my perspective changed. I don't remember all that was said there or who spoke or what the intended message of the talk was, but I do remember how I felt. The Spirit testified to me in that meeting that God cared for me personally and it wasn't too late for me. If I turned to Him, He would welcome me with open arms, and not only would He do that, but he wanted it with His whole heart. I was able to feel connected to Him in a personal way. I felt known and loved by Him.

The more I study about Jesus and His mortal ministry, the more I am astounded by those he chose to be his followers. The sinners. The outcasts. In short, the ones who were like us. The everyday people who are doing their best, but their best isn't good enough because without Him, without His sacrifice, returning back to Father is impossible. I love to watch their lives and see what they become once He enters their story. 

He told them the same thing he told me all those years ago and he offers that same invitation to you no matter your circumstances or your backgrounds or your previous sins. 

"I am able to make you holy, and your sins are forgiven you." 

Doctrine and Covenants 60:7

As for years

"Let them act upon this land as for years, and this shall turn unto them for their good."

-Doctrine and Covenants 51:17

We have been in the transition of all transitions since we moved into the trailer last October. Everywhere we have been since then has been for just a few months at a time, and this place is no exception. 

When I read this verse a couple of weeks ago, it made me think of my life right now. Like the early saints who this revelation was originally given to, we are in a transition period. If they hadn't lived there "as for years, " they wouldn't have built the temple, or worked so hard to build up Zion in the place they were at. They wouldn't have put down roots and built the houses and made the friends. If they hadn't acted upon that last as for years, they would have missed out on so many blessings.

I've decided that I am going to act upon this land as for years. I'm going to try to make the friends as for years. Serve and love and live as if it will be for years and make the connections, because that is what life is all about. I'm going to do my best to build Zion and the temple and the city, just as the saints in Ohio did.

Making those connections and serving others takes way more effort, but hopefully in doing so, when we leave here, more lives than just ours will have been blessed. 

New Job

As Jacob got closer to graduating, he started dedicating a fair bit of time to applying for jobs in his career field. It was one dead end after another. He applied for internship positions, entry level positions, anything he thought he might qualify for. The sad truth was that he didn't qualify for any of them. The time he spent getting this degree in computer science didn't mean a whole lot to anyone because even though he took the classes and checked the boxes for the degree, he didn't have any project experience. He didn't have a portfolio. In short, getting his degree didn't actually teach him the skills he needed to work in his field. 

We kept praying and he kept applying. In answer to our prayers, we kept feeling peace. Peace in the midst of rejection after rejection. I knew Heavenly Father wouldn't abandon us now and that something would come up. He has always guided us through and I knew he wasn't going to stop now. We started looking into alternate options: the military again (this time as an officer), more training in the form of 15,000 dollar coding bootcamps, anything that would make it so he would be able to get a job. 

Well, Jacob came across something that we never would have looked twice at if it weren't for all of the rejections. The company is called Revature. Basically, they give you an in depth training for 10-12 weeks in a computer science related area, pay you minimum wage while doing it, and then you sign a contract to work where ever they want you to in the continental U.S. for two years for little more than peanuts the first year and a pay bump the second year. It is super pricey to break the contract, but many companies that they go work for end up buying out their contract before the two years are up and even if they don't, you end up with good training and two years of experience. 

Well, this is the path that we have decided to take. Jacob graduated 3 weeks ago, ended his job at the university 2 weeks ago and started his training for Revature the next Monday. 

We decided to bring our trailer and our family back to good old New Mexico to a different city than we have ever lived in before for him to complete his training. We chose New Mexico for a few different reasons. 

Reason #1: Minimum wage in New Mexico is 10.50 an hour. If we had gone to Utah or Iowa where we were close to family, and where my heart really wants us to be, he would only be making 7.25 an hour. 

Reason #2: Our trailer only has one AC unit, which means that we can't be parked anywhere too hot because it just can't keep up, otherwise we would be in Arizona near one of my sisters. 

Reason #3: We felt like it was a right. 

Now I will admit that when we first pulled into this RV park, I wanted to turn around and go back to Arizona, or Utah. I even kept looking at other options of places we could go stay even after we got a PO box and sent our church records here. I just didn't want to stay. Why would we be away from family when we finally have the option to be close? We've had a taste of being near family for the first time in a really long time these last 6 months and I didn't want to give that up. 

So Jacob started his training last Monday and found out that he is being trained to be a Dev Ops Engineer, something he had never considered going into because he didn't know what it was. I don't all the way know what it is still, but basically, it is something that developers don't usually start out doing. Its something they might specialize in after being a normal developer for 5 years or more.  Honestly, it is something that really plays to Jacob's natural strengths, but he definitely wouldn't have had the opportunity to do something like this for a long time if ever. He feels like it is something he could be good at and happy doing.

So here we are in a town we've only ever driven through previously, with no one we know close by starting on a new adventure that could take our family anywhere. All of the unknowns makes it really feel like we are in the military again, except this time Jacob can't get deployed. Kent was asking me where we would be for his birthday if a few months and I had to tell him that I had no idea!

Honestly, if I didn't know that Heavenly Father was directing us and that he has a plan for us individually, I don't know how I would be handling all the unknowns!  As it is, we are trusting Him and taking it one day at a time.

50 pounds

Let's talk health for a few minutes. Physical health. I, like the other women in my family, (and to be honest, probably most other women in the world) have generally always struggled with weight fluctuations, and as much as I would like to blame it all on having babies, if I'm honest, it definitely started before that. I've gone through the cycles of exercise/eat healthy, lose the weight, reach a goal, stop exercising/eating healthy, gain the weight, hate my body, then exercise/eat healthy and repeat more times than I would like to admit, and to be honest, even after I've lost the weight, I would still compare my body to everyone else's and find it lacking.

Let's fast forward to the beginning of last year. I had been unhealthy (and not just because I was overweight) and having food and sugar issues for a while. My cute sister hosted a get healthy competition for my sisters, my mom, and my hubby. My goal of the competition was finally not about the number on the scale. My goal was to feel healthy and to heal my relationship with food. This became quite the journey for me. I knew that when I ate sugar (my weakness) I felt sick. Always. And not in a normal way.

   

 As I started my journey, I cut many different things out of my diet because the more I started listening to my body, the more it was telling me. My body doesn't like processed sugars or even sugars like honey that aren't processed but it loves fruit. It hates pizza 😱. Every single time I ate pizza, my heart rate would get really high. My body doesn't like other processed things that I used to love (like hot lime cheetos, and chocolate treasures, and airheads. I would get stomach aches when I had things with gluten and dairy and corn. It felt like the more I listened to my body, the less I could eat, and it was super frustrating trying to find things that were honoring to my body. But the more I listened to my body, and heard what it was telling me, the better I felt, and the pounds started coming off. 

My goal for the first time wasn't to lose the weight and to fit into a smaller size of jeans, it was to listen to do what it needed. During our 12 week competition, I lost 20 pounds. Before when I had done competitions like that, I worked hard during the competition and then eventually went back to my old habits, but this time I didn't want to go back. I didn't want to feel the way I felt before. I was so tired of food ruling my life and essentially ruining it because it was making me feel sick all of the time. 

    

Before: Feb 2020        After May 2020

I had other benefits during this time as well. During the months of this competition, my depression was gone. Completely. Even though my cycles have never been regular, I always knew when it was coming because the week before, I would have awful awful depression, but when I started this regimen of listening to my body, eating what my body really liked and needed, and getting out and moving my body, my mental health thrived!  

We finished our competition 13 months ago and since then I have lost another 30 pounds because I have been doing my best to really pay attention and honor the things my body tells me. If I'm hungry, I eat the snack. If I'm full, I don't finish the food. If I want a treat, I have one, my treats just look a little differently than they used to. If my body aches from sitting still for too long, I go for a walk. I feel like when I honor the needs of my physical body, my mental health does so much better. 

When I tried to diet or exercise to lose the weight, the change never stayed, and I would get discouraged when the number wouldn't change, and I was always comparing my body to everyone else and seeing where I came up short. It wasn't until I let that go, stopped comparing, and tried to get healthy for the sake of being healthy that I honestly started feeling better about me. And it wasn't until then, that the change stuck.

 Can I tell you how many times I've lost weight and kept my "fat clothes" in my closet because I didn't trust the change? It was a really big deal for me to actually get rid of all of the clothes I grew out of and I probably wouldn't have done it except that we moved into the trailer and space is extremely limited. I've never lost the weight and kept it off until I made the mental change. This is my journey and it looks different than anyone else's. My body is different than anyone else's. My experiences have been different and my life is different, and how glad I am that it is.